The Blackhole inside of me

How many times have I stared blankly at this screen?

wanted to type, and write but no words would come out.

15th May passed. I felt bad that all my blogger friends wrote about Palestine Day while I didn't.

21st May passed. Wanted to write about how I wanted to explore the number 23. By watching the movie "number 23". The first statement of the movie was describing me. "today is my birthday". Wanted to write about 23 unique things about me.....Yet I didn't

What's happening to me?

a month has passed since I watched any of my regular series..."Lost", "Prison Break" or "Smallville" or any other show. the same goes for movies.

Why have I stopped reading? I used to always read before I go to sleep. I barely read 30 pages in the last 3 weeks.

The gym--- heh...I just remembered that I have a subscription that i haven't used in a months time

What's happening to me?

I have not been faithful to my close friends like I used to. I am not in touch with them as i used to. I am missing out on their news. Has the choice of moving on with the new friends affected my relationships with the older & faithful ones who has always been supportive and gave too much for me? for how long will they tolerate me?

What's happening to me?

The first thing i used to do when I wake up was stare at my incomplete jigsaw puzzle. It was a simple of my incomplete life that I try to piece each day. I used to work on it whenever I had free time. Its the same jigsaw puzzle that I bought 16 months ago and I still didn't finish it. Nowadays, it is just sitting there collecting the dust.

I am afraid of this growing blackhole and what else it will strip from my inner core and the values that it will consume..


Unknown said...

Ok at least you're not denying the blackhole, that a step.. now do something about it. This cant be healthy if its kept up. I think you need a day for yourself. On your next day off.. do stuff you enjoy doing, give yourself alone time. Maybe go to the beach and take a walk? water always relaxes my distress. And then promise yourself to start up again and really work on it. Read "The Man Who Ate The 747" and tell me shu ra2yak :P

Anonymous said...

so.. this condition is called "blackhole inside"..
You know, I've been in the "hole" long enough to admit that I am the one to blame..Am the one who made the decisions to stop going to the movies, seeing friends, reading or even smiling..I took a trip to beirut and didn't work either..

My friend, it is in our hands to get up and change tracks and attitude ..It is time to start over..and it's never too late to do so..
Yalla, am going to start on Monday :)

Bitter marzipan said...

Noura I like your honesty,you pretty much described hwo it goes...we (unware of that)sometimes chose to dwell into sadness and isolation,it usually means that we accumulated some unsolved issues that built up to form an unknown state that we can't idenitify's going to be hard to decide to be you again..

It's been almots 2 years for me wishing to be half the person I was two years ago..

It's a hole that pulls you down,watch your behaviors carefully so that you don't go into a self-destructive pattern...

Hamza said...

batoul - thanks batoul. I'll consider your advice seriously although the weather here is too humid and not suitable to enjoy a nice breeze.

noura- I know it is in our hands. But I hate the fact that we have to fight so hard to get back to half the person we used to be.

I know what needs to be done to change, but i am not sure I have all the resources & energy needed right now

ruba- thank God I haven't reached the self-destructive pattern, although I am afraid that one day this might happen to me.

KJ said...


Ms Loala said...

We all go through this phase Hamza where you simply lose touch with the true you.
All you have to do is just hang in there. It's just a phase and it'll past ;-)

On a different note, get a pet, they help you relax and not to mention, make you laugh at their stupidity :P

The Observer said...

I dont think that you should be hard on yourself Hamza. We all need a break! :)

Anonymous said...


Listen to KJ, he's right for once :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Hamza... havn't checked your blog for a while, been quite overwhelmed myself, and now I feel guilty for not checking it earlier and saying something...
I guess the only advice I can offer is focus less on returning to who you 'were', and focus more on becoming who you 'want' to be ...
Our old selves fall in the black hole because they lose inspiration, forget the purpose behind the things we used to do, whether solving puzzles or reading. Try to find your inspiration again... whatever it is that makes you fire up and talk endlessly ... and smile...really smile. :)

Hamza said...

KJ- coming up in few weeks. :)

ms loala - I am seriously considering a pet. I need someone stupid so that I can take all my pain on. But not now

the observer- thanks man. :)

elijah - inshalla

deena - thank you deena. There are few steps that I need to take to rediscover myself. Fee already 2 proposals in my mind. But what I really need is a meeting with a psychiatrist. He/she might give me an insight I am not aware of.

Dino$ said...

whats happening to u is happening to all of us :) it's a phase.. u will snap out of it.

it's life...

and well.. look at the bright side you have a blackhole inside of you and that is better than being an
@%%-hole :)

Dino$ said...

btw i hope my comment is not misuderstood what i meant is that there are a lot of A-holes in the world :)

eshda3wa said...

u need a vacation