Speaking out of Bitterness

As I was thinking for the last 2 days on this, I couldn't help myself from releasing few tears that represent only a fraction of the frustration and bitterness I have. It is the bitterness feeling I am having with a very special close person who has inspired me lately. It is the return of a feeling that have shattered my heart with 2 of my close friends

On one of the days, I walked to a bar. One of the guys I knew pissed me off when I denied his offer for a drink as I don't drink. He said: "why would you go to a bar if you don't drink?". While he might be relatively right, I don't believe that the ONLY way to have fun in a bar is in being drunk. Ok, I am a person who does not smoke sheesha, or drink coffee (you'll find here all the things I don't do). Does this mean that I should ban myself from entering caf├ęs or coffee shops. Can't I enjoy the food, cocktails, desserts or even the ambient decorations of the place?

As I've stated before, I am personally never fond of potential addictive material (my list goes here)… I personally NEVER ever tried them. And it was not out of religious reasons as much as out of personal reasons of knowing how weak I'll become. I am known for my high addictiveness and possessiveness level. And if I like any of the above (and I know I will), then I could easily get hooked and extremely become dependent on them. And if I try to quit and fail, then I'll become extremely depressed especially since I am extremely harsh on myself when it comes to self-criticism.

Don't misunderstand me. I am not one of those who call for a campaign to ban drugs, alcohol, sheesha, or cigarettes. On the contrary, I respect my uncle who smokes his cigarettes only on occasions. He would go for days or even weeks not smoking one. And he'll only smoke if there is a celebration, a birthday party, anniversary or an Eid. I admire one of my friends who only smoke his cigars when he is in the mood. He would organize his room to make it more like a jazz lounge and just sit there to read a book, enjoy the music and smoke his classy cigars.

I am just against the way how some use them as stress-relievers, or because of peer pressure, or just for the sake of doing something "crazy" or unusual. If they are used for any of the above reasons, then the person who start by saying: "only a puff. I'll never smoke one by myself" to "only one. Not more" to "only few. But I'll never buy a pack" to the extreme end of "wait..Why am I not holding one in my hand?". I just despise those who fall to the dependency webs of those addictiveness pleasures that can be a source of joy rather than as means of lying to themselves that it lessens the stress.

I have witnessed two of my best friends slip away liked that. As I said, it started with both of them saying "trust me, I know what I am doing. I am doing it for fun. I won't get hooked". As the days passed, I witnessed how they slowly changed and how they began losing their core values and became prisoners of their new addictive habits.

So hamza, I ask myself, don't you think you are exaggerating? I might be. All I need is one successful story of a person who managed to free him/herself from those devouring tentacles and became the one in control rather than be controlled.

This is just a sample of the disappointments I have witnessed in my life. I feel I can no longer trust people. "I believe in you" is such an over-rated phrase. I am losing my faith in humans. In fact, I shall perish being ashamed to be belonging to this idiotic species. I don't know what it will take to restore my faith in humanity, if it exists…


Nora-Cassandra said...

i'm so god damn proud of you!!!! :)

i tell you one thing... i was your age a single mum, and i was watching my friends drink and my family too... i saw some having addiction problems and it scared me... yes i drink now, but i didn't drink till i knew i was 100% safe! when i met my husband... i knew if i had addiction prob he'll help out of it and as i know myself i'm very determined not to have anything control me... so now i can say it's ok for me... but while my friends and family did it all through their teenage and young adulthood life i didn't...

same when with drugs even hash... i just don't like being addicted to something so i don't even want to try it...

cigars, i think by now you know i do enjoy a time to time cigar... it's usually after a great nice meal out... and most probably i ended up with sharing my husband's Cuban cigar or just have one thin one of my own!

but man even with coffee, i'll cut it for over a week or even a month just to be sure i'm not addicted, but i do it because i like it! :)

my hat off and a great bow for my young sweet friend! :)

KJ said...

tawwel balak ya zalameh, mesh mestahle!

Khalas the important thing is that you know your self and your limits. Hayni I go to a bar bas don't drink. I don't go to clubs because I hate the loud music and I don't have to be pressured because "it is something you have to do before 30".

It's your life which you control, but you can't control others. In the Quran it says "lasta 3alayhom bi mosayter" - the imam told me this when I was trying to convince someone of something; he told me enno I can only advise but can't control; if this is how the Prophet was ordered to then I did what I could do.

It is upsetting I know. Just know that you did your best and you don't have to feel as bad as you are feeling now. "man raqab al nas mata hamman"

asoom said...

I hope you're feeling better. Not everyone sux, just most people.

"And it was not out of religious reasons as much as out of personal reasons of knowing how weak I'll become."

That line confuses me. So there was no "religious" influence in your "personal" reasons? Anyway, why did it matter whether it was out of religious or non religious roots? ya3ni what's up with the disclaimer?

and I don't mean that in an interrogating judgemental tone :) I'm genuinely curious.

asoom said...

In grad school if I ever wanted to hang out with my colleagues than I had no choice but to go to a bar. So I joined them like twice and I hated being there-they all know I don't drink and I'm just there to hang out with them so we compromised and I was able to convince them to go somewhere else. We ended up going to a casino. I was like great...so not only do I watch them drink but gamble too. We had a good laugh about it later on.

At the end of the day they respect my lifestyle and preferences and appreciate that I still make the effort to socialize and hang out with them...and that's why I chose to be in their company. I simply wouldn't have if I felt judged or belittled.

Kinano said...

Live and let live!

Ms Loala said...

I'm just like you, i haven't seen anyone who recovered from their addiction. I personaly haven't recovered from my chocolate addiction. It's sad and pathetic how you lose control over your body and mind.

But good for you staying away from all those potentionally addictive stuff. Make sure you stay that way.

Anonymous said...

You know bitterness speaks so much truth, I tend to like it. Don't be hard on yourself though. You could only involve yourself so much in your friends' situation and then it becomes a personal preference and value. It's so hard to find someone dear losing touch, but it def. isnt exxagerations it's just respect to your friendship. Cheer up! no more tears because as you said, humanity doesn't deserve it if you can't find trust in it:)

eshda3wa said...

iv witnessed first hand many people that pulled themselves out of deep dark holes

and i also witnessed first hand people that happily dug holes for themselves

its sad, but its their choice.

Anonymous said...

Please don't say that, It has been a month and 4 days since i smoked my last cigarette. Please tell me i can do it :(

BTW my sis and bro both quit and they used to smoke 2-3 packs a day.

Hamza said...

nora-cassandra- thanks for agreeing and supporting me. It is good to know that I am not the only one out there. From the description of your stories, I can tell that you are in control. that's good for you. :). Please keep it up.

KJ- I totally agree, and I try to fight with myself to keep my mouth shut, but as much as I try, I just can't sit there and watch my friends slip away like knowing that I can do nothing about it.

asoom - regarding religious reasons, it influenced me. But I stated this point because many ppl stereotype me as being the extremely religious, while in fact its not. I always associate religion with logic (rather than logic with religion) to help in arriving to my values

Hamza said...

kinano - *sighs*..fine, live & let live. Let's toast for it.

ms loala- :(..sad isn't it? and I am clueless on what to do. Convincing myself to forget about it is gonna be extremely challenging for me.

batoul.a - I'll try batoul. I'll try.

eshda3wa - I don't care about many of those as much as I care about those who are close to me and look up to them as my inspiration.

elijah - elijah dear. Keep it up girl. I am ready to give you all the support you need. Just keep it up. I no longer mind the idea of smoking. I only want you to be IN CONTROL. Good luck. :)