A prisoner in my own shell…

What I have been up to…

Socialwise- Other than one soccer game with the guys and a couple of birthday parties I attended, I am not socializing as I used to. I attended an "all you can eat dessert" hosted at coffee shop near my house. The event was announced on Facebook and I found it as a creative approach to publicize and advertise for the coffee shop. Kudos points to the genius owner. I have been on a boat trip in the red sea where I went snorkeling at 3 different reef sites. For a while, I didn't feel I lived in Jeddah. Our boat was full of foreigners who were open & friendly and have enlightened me about the basic dos and don'ts when it comes to diving. This is the next thing on my to do list: learn diving. The best thing about the whole journey was the company of dolphins. :D

Workwise – I was in the office for a total of 4 days in the last 5 weeks. My boss is definitely not the happiest person as I was out of the office most of the time. I enrolled in 4 back-to-back training courses where each one lasts on an average of 5 to 10 days. Covering a wide variety of topics such as banking instruments, project appraisal, logical framework and international trade finance made me feel as I was in an intensive post-grad program. Other than the random nap attacks I unexpectedly experience, it felt good to be a student once again and be on the receiver side for one more time. This had served as an additional motive to…

Careerwise – study CFA. After my Eid vacation, I committed myself by registering for the June 2008 exam. Over the last 8 months, I barely managed to complete one out of the 6 books. Over the last 4 weeks, I picked up the pace and finished 2 books totaling 976 pages (the original one and the revision material). I am surprised at my achievement yet it is understandable considering the effect triggered by the surrounding environment ; whether it is the attendance of the above training courses or other factors that have been affecting me…

Personalwise- on personal level. A hidden side of me is coming back to surface, an old feeling that I concealed because I couldn't interpret it. All I know about it is that it consumes my mind and tires my soul. One of its major side effects is becoming extremely intolerant to human presence around me. I am hating people yet I am incapable of communicating my anger and thus I end up diverting the shock to my inner core. It is the same core that is becoming ultra-sensitive to the changing variables around it. It is yielding a hurricane of endless thoughts, ideas, interpretations, and conspiracy theories that leaves me to question my own established definitions of what's right and what's wrong. The only remedy I found lies in sealing myself in my sanctuary that serves as my current study room. It is the same room that I have had many success stories in, especially during my O-level and A-level years 7 years ago. Everything about that room changed. The bed, the TV, the cupboards, pc, and even the AC. Trying to recreate the same ambience remained a challenge. I no longer listen to my favorite radio station that all it plays now is gulf music, yet Coldplay's latest album and couple of new Arabic albums (Asala, kazem El saher, nancy ajram and darine hadchiti) are doing their best in balancing my instable mental sanity. But all this doesn't matter now. My inner demons are on hold. Maybe they are waiting for my vulnerable moment where they'd feast on me. But for now, I am just a prisoner in my own shell…

11 comments:

KJ said...

1000 pages :| you reminded me of the sigmund frued books :D

a7la shi el snorkelling, it looks like i am gonna try it sometime soon but now the weather is getting colder (the water is already cold in summer months). but i must redeem my voucher with something. hmm. i dunno if they have the skydiving thing still open

as for your personal stuff - change the room!

asoom said...

Scuba diving totally rocks. I had the experience in Egypt and if I had some time I'd like to become a professional scuba diver.

About the rest of your post, now it's my turn to say we need to talk

Batoul A. said...

wooow, nap attacks? and then you wake up sanfoor ghadban? lolol oh right, you already ARE sanfoor ghadban hiding in your little room.

Good job on being a nerd, proud of you :D

Hamza said...

KJ - you still didn't go sky diving? looks like you don't deserve that voucher after all

asoom - I know. I should utilize the fact that I live on the red sea and go more often

batoul - don't you realize that you told me this comment more than once? :P

Batoula said...

Don't you realize that confirms how sanfoor ghadban you are? lool.. I wasn't feeling like being serious with my comment AND I didn't feel like mentioning I cant even swim to go diving so you don't have an anaphylactic shock but... there you have it :P

maroo said...

mmm hamza ..i've been reading yr post , and i think it worth 2 stop here for a while and leave my comment ..
first of all "the title only shows how talented u r .. may be it has been used 100s of times b4 but it totally fits with yr post here "
i luved yr way in expressing yr self very much and i wish u da best in yr study , yr work , and everything ..
keep it up :)

eshda3wa said...

im glad ur picking up pace career wise

but personal wise

dude
u need someone to talk to

that doesnt sound healthy at all

Rocky said...

ur blog is so nice..Hi this s Rocky and this is my new blog..Do visit it at ur free times...

The Observer said...

Hang in there :)

Anonymous said...

your personal struggle is uncannily parallel to mine. as i read on i knew exactly how u felt. how u thought. and how everything changed its perception.. irritability toward humans.. inner demons.. the hurricane.... i know..

Anonymous said...

your personal struggle is uncannily parallel to mine. as i read on i knew exactly how u felt. how u thought. and how everything changed its perception.. irritability toward humans.. inner demons.. the hurricane.... i know..